ISR Counselling

Men don’t do counselling because …

They’re tough and they don’t need it!

OK, so you’re not going to say that out loud because you’re going to sound like a caveman, but at some level it’s the way many of us think about emotional or psychological distress. And that’s kind of understandable because thousands of generations of men have been genetically predisposed to be hunters, protectors, providers and stoic chiefs. But genetics are your history, not your destiny and the world we live in now is just a bit different to the one where we all lived in caves and wondered at the marvel of fire. Wrestling with sabre tooth tigers did not prepare you for work pressures, relationship difficulties, anxiety, depression, bereavement or any of the myriad of other issues that come with modern life. Cavemen with chronic toothache pulled out their own teeth because there were no dentists. Now we have dentists. Just saying.  

A good night out with the boys and a few pints will sort it.

Well, it might make you feel better … for a bit, in the same way it would make you feel better if you had a broken leg. It’ll take your mind off it for a while, but the next morning your leg is still broken. There are proven therapeutic benefits to be gained from relaxing with friends or taking part in sport or whatever you find works for you, but you can’t always outrun it. Anxiety is a slow and cumulative burn. After the distraction it will still be there, waiting for you, until you acknowledge it and tackle it.  

Run it off!

You mean like you would with a broken leg? Just keep ploughing on and it’ll sort itself out? I don’t think we need any more here, do we?

Empathy? Warmth? Safe space? Positive Regard? All sounds a bit soft and fluffy.

Well, maybe a bit, but these are all important parts of the process. They are not however the only parts. A counsellor will listen to you in a way that very few others will, to try to see the world the way you see it. They won’t judge you, ever, but they will challenge you to think about things in different ways and help you to work out what is really important to you. If you’re looking for a cuddle and a “Poor you!”, this is probably not the place, but if you need someone to understand what you’re going through and help you navigate it, counselling may be the route.

You’ll quite possibly relate to someone in a way that you never have before and it may be the safest environment you have ever experienced, but it won’t always be easy. It’s like looking in a mirror that strips away preconception and reveals only the naked truth. And that’s just the beginning.

I don’t want to look weak

Really? You’re still hanging on to that this far down the page? Well, OK, but if you are, everything about counselling is confidential*, even the fact that you are seeing your counsellor, so I won’t be telling anyone.

Statty Bits

The following stats are taken from the ONS (Office for National Statistics) and can be found on the Samaritans website. They are the latest published at time of writing and refer to England only, for 2023.

On average, 16 people died by suicide every day of the year

12 of them were male

Suicide is the largest single cause of death for men under 50

Around 75% of those accessing counselling services in England are women (from BACP practitioner research article).

That might seem a little dramatic and of course the first sign of a bit of work-related anxiety is not a one way ticket to the dark side, but if your golf swing goes belly up, it makes sense to see the pro. If your headspace is getting messy …

*There are limited exceptions to confidentiality in counselling where there is real and present danger to the safety of any individual, a safeguarding issue for a young person or vulnerable adult or a disclosure is made about a serious crime. Your counsellor will discuss this with you in your first session.

Ian Murdoch is a Person Centred Counsellor and registered member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP, Registered no. 411136). He sees clients at a private counselling studio in High Wycombe or online. To get in touch, click here